This post is a personal life update as well as the spiritual growth I experienced last night.
Why I've been missing for a little while, and why it will probably happen again:
If you're a follower of mine (dreamer/s), then you have noticed that I have been on hiatus for quite awhile. Unfortunately, this is because of a few factors that are a huge part of my life that are out of my control. The first of these being my physical health. If you are part of my life you already know that I was diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) in January.
If you don't know what this is, I'll give a quick description... Basically, my body does not produce enough collagen (the stuff that keep things together, like the glue of the body). This causes my joints to become unstable which results in subluxations (partial dislocations). I am lucky in the sense that I have not had any full dislocations, but the subluxations definitely cause a great amount of pain, and instability which makes it hard for me to move around. I also have nerve pain in the form of Allodynia. My skin will feel like it is sunburnt when I haven't even been in the sun. I have Osteoarthritis in my lower back, and hands. I have chronic fatigue as well as a ton of other things caused by my hEDS.
Onto the next reason I've been absent, and it's a big one! The nefarious Chronic Depression. Dun Dun Dun!!! Unfortunately, I have no control over when or why it sneaks up on me and of course with the changing of the seasons it becomes harder to fight it. Luckily I have a very supportive and understanding circle of family and friends and of course my biggest hero; my husband.❤
The Long but Significant Background History of my Childhood:
First, let me start off with some personal background information that will help this make more sense as well as stressing the importance of it to me. This may be triggering for some of you who experienced neglect/abuse as children.
When I was very little, my full biological sisters and I went through some very uncertain and neglected years. At first, my mother was there...kind of. My Father was working hard to provide for us, because he loved us and had always shown us in his own way. I've never once doubted his love. His life choices and actions were definitely questionable, but none the less I knew he loved us.
As for my Mother, she had become addicted to drugs, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and just wanting to be a free spirit. Free from anything holding her down. While I believe she does love us, I do not believe she is capable of fully and completely loving anyone authentically let alone, as only a mother can love. When I say she was there, I mean she was sleeping all day if she was home. Usually, however she was off somewhere else. I cannot recall at any point when my Mother was a Mom. This isn't her fault. Unfortunately she had a pretty messed up childhood as well and was coping with that the only way she knew how at the time.
My oldest sister took over as the Mother figure while my Dad was working. She would make us lunch, get us dressed, and make sure we didn't kill ourselves. She was 5. Yes, five years old with such a huge burden. I thank the universe for her saving us the way she did. I hold a very very special place in my heart for her. We were often left home alone, and at times had to wander the neighborhood asking for food. Luckily my younger sister doesn't remember much of this, but my oldest sister and I were only 18 months apart and were old enough to understand that we were alone.
My Mother ended up leaving my Father shortly after, with no remorse, no desire to take her babies with her, no cares. Again, this is not her fault that she was a broken spirit, She was trying to find an outlet to make her feel something. Anything. I was angry at her for the longest time. I couldn't understand why she didn't want us. Why didn't my Mom want me? I instinctually needed that love that only a mother could give. Lord knows my oldest sister did the basics, but caring for children barely younger than yourself at such a young age sure does cause a lot of resentment.
Flash forward to my Father meeting his next wife. She was 19 yrs old, he was 29. Things were okay at first. When she got comfortable, she began to become verbally and physically abusive to all of us. We were poor, so my Dad had to work all the time. He was a truck driver, so he would be gone for a week or more at a time to provide for his family. When he got home we were always so excited to see him and he was just as excited to see us. He loved his kids, and loved the excitement and hugs he would get from us. However, the step mother would tell us to leave him alone when he got home because he worked so hard.
While he was gone on these long trips, she would leave to go hang out with teenage guys and again, we would all be left alone. My oldest sister had become so full of hurt and anger from the way she was being treated, the loneliness of not having parents around to guide and protect us, and the stress and burden of having to grow up so fast by caring for us, that she became angry all the time. She was at an age that she needed understanding and nurturing and she got the short end of the stick which caused her to take it out on us. I do not blame her either. I simply understand that it is the result of our lives up until that point.
Our step mother became abusive towards us often using her favorite method of grabbing our hair by the scalp and dragging us down to the floor while yelling in our face. Of course her second favorite was punching us, for the most insignificant things i.e. folding a shirt inside out. She talked down to us often and we could never do anything right. So needless to say we still didn't know what Motherly love felt like.
My oldest sister was kicked out of the house for being abusive, because of the abuse she suffered at the hands of the step mother. Yet somehow, when we would tell my Father about the abuse we were experiencing, he either decided to turn a blind eye because he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, or he just simply didn't believe us. As we were showing signs of distress mentally and emotionally, we were never offered help like therapy. Eventually I ended up getting kicked out of the house too after sneaking my boyfriend in through the window at night (obviously a rebellious cry for help), and while we weren't sexually active at that point (I was 12), it was still enough for my Dad to decided he didn't want to deal with it.
My older sister was already living with my Mom at that time. Mom had seemed to turn her life around slightly, but still never really had much contact with us. The moment I went to live with her, it was like going to live with a stranger. She was the "cool Mom". She didn't want to be our Mom, she wanted to be our friend. Even that was a bit farfetched. Considering she never hung out with us and only had conversations with us in passing. Still, no motherly love.
We were so lucky that the man she married after my Dad was an amazing Step-Father! Finally, some luck! He was awkward, but fun, supportive, and most importantly a good Dad. He would make us our lunches for school EVERY SINGLE DAY. He would make sure we had basic needs that young teen girls needed, and some that maybe we didn't need but absolutely appreciated. He provided a nice home for us, and always supported us at sporting events or concerts. He was the parent in the house who would stop what he was doing to listen to us. My mother seemed she couldn't be bothered much.
Even now as an adult, I never speak to my Mother. Not because I don't love her, and not because she doesn't love me. I believe she truly does love us in her own way, but it isn't my job to fix what is broken in her. I can't make her be the Mother I have always craved to have. To know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and be so protective and ready to sacrifice herself to save me at any given moment. I can't make her be that. If you're a Mother, you know that kind of love I am talking about. The love only a Mother can give.
For my whole life, I would cry at random moments asking myself why am I so unlovable? Why doesn't my Mom want me? Heck, even a few days ago I was overcome with this very heavy feeling. It hurts. It hurts that I don't know what that love feels like.
...and then last night happened.
The Spiritual Growth:
So being that I haven't meditated properly in awhile, I decided that since I've been doing better mentally that I would do a guided meditation before bed last night. I was hoping to connect with one of my spirit guides so that I could have a little bit of guidance for what's next, however what I received was so much better!
In my meditation, I was in a cottage of my own. It was cozy and just for me. The fireplace was going and I had some tea as a comfort item. The guide for the meditation told me to ask for my spirit guide to come sit with me and have a chat. At first, a few different spirits came through, I thanked them for saying hello but felt there was someone more important for that moment to come through.
I waited patiently and thought, "maybe they aren't coming." Then, almost immediately after this, there she was. Standing in the doorway, so ethereal with her long dark hair, and her gorgeous red dress that looked tailor made just for her and the warmth that radiated off of her as she came closer.
I stood up to greet her, and she embraced me with the most loving hug I've ever had. She kissed my forehead and smiled at me as if she was proud of who I am. The guide for the meditation then said, "They present you with a gift that only you will know the meaning of." As suggested, the lady in red handed me a delicate and beautiful gift box.
I opened it and inside was a a heavy, shiny, beautiful key. We sat in our chairs across from each other and she never spoke a word. I asked her name, but still silent and lovely. She just kept smiling at me. The way a mother stares at her child when she is so damn proud of them. When it was time for her to leave, she gave me another hug. So much love, so much comfort, so much pride. She left gracefully and silently. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
She was me.
Her gift was saying that the key to becoming whole is being able to make your own way in life. By loving myself, when others can't. Loving myself the way that I love my children. Being my own Mother. Uplifting and encouraging myself the way I do my children. Feeling the warmth and love of the hugs that I give to them as if they are also being given to me...by me.
I have never felt more aware of the effect self love can have than in this moment. I cried tears of joy and suddenly I didn't feel that empty hole in my heart anymore. Suddenly, I knew I was capable of giving that kind of love, and that it's ok to give it to myself if I need it.
I know this whole post was a long and possibly upsetting thing to talk about, but I felt like all of it was important. Not just for me to revisit mentally to see how I got here, but for others who have perhaps had similar experiences. I am so grateful for that beautiful message and I feel like I can move forward from the hurt and emptiness from my past. I am always looking to grow spiritually and I think this was a whole new level of healing.
Thank you Universe. I appreciate you. I appreciate my Family and friends. I appreciate the hard life lessons I had to learn, and the lessons I was able to teach others. The good, the bad, the old, the new. I appreciate every single moment as I believe it was necessary for me to grow.
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